The Storey of Fooley and De Blender Mon

Ski Dogs (light)

The Reggae Ballad of Fooley and De Blender Mon

Long ago, there was a time when Ski Dogs had more hair, fewer spouses, and the same overwhelming urge that exists today to drink strange drinks and do stupid things.  Shortly after the inauguration of George Bush the Elder, in the early days of Big Al's love affair with the Family Bush, De Blender Mon held court on the patio at the Little Nell.  Mad Dog and Smeadski saw fit to sample a multitude of De Blender Mon's wares, which tended to make Galena Street too hard to climb in time for dinner.  Mad Dog responded by spinning many a tale about the mighty Fooley, who had been, up until that time, the relatively dignified founder and CEO of Foley Homes.

Between bouts of doing idiotic things like getting dressed up as a leprechaun, Smeadski suddenly discovered an untapped talent for the creation of SkiDog Reggae lyrics.  It is said that his frequent attendance at Jimmy Cliff movies in the 1970s played a role, but it's possible he was just drunk.  In collaboration with Mad Dog, Smeadski determined that the confluence of Fooley with De Blender Mon could provide the perfect vehicle for chronicling the Aspen exploits of the Ski Dogs (Truth be told, they didn't actually determine that, it just sort of happened.)

De Blender Mon is long gone, replaced by green tea, cappuccino, and tofu.  But the Dogs rumble on (actually, that's Shooter who's rumbling or mumbling or something).  The incomparable contributions of the Dogs to a side of Aspen culture that has not only been overlooked by the mainstream Aspenites, but that, were it noticed, would cause most of them to leave, have provided a steady stream of raw material to keep the story of these two cultural icons going on, and on, and on, and onsort of like any Fooley story. 

So, with that background, please enjoy the light Reggae ballad of Fooley and De Blender Mon:

Fooley and De Blender Mon

(To the light Reggae Beat of  "Fooley and De Blender Mon")

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

And Shooter say, "Hey, Blender Mon, your drinks they make me humble.

They make me brave, they make me strong,

And then they make me mumble."

And Mad Dog say, "Hey, Blender Mon, your drinks make me go fast."

The Blender Mon say, "Mad Dog, son,

I think this one's your last."

Dat Fooley Mon, he likes to tell de stories when we drink,

Without de help of de Blender Mon,

Dem stories dey could stink.

De Fooley Mon, he skied real hard, and den he wrecked his knee.

But now with de Bionic Brace,

He out-skis you and me.

And Mad Dog saw the dryers, on the floor at Ruthie's loo.

De Fooley said, "It's a ladies' room--

They like a B-J, too."

De Big Al say, "Hey Blender Mon, I'd like to see you soon.

But first I need to look around,

And see if there's some Poon."

When Wild Bill saw de Blender Mon, de sun was in de sky.

We pumped him full of daiquiris

And den we watched him fry.

So Wild Bill say, "Hey Blender Mon, you might get sissies hammered.

But Ski Dogs say, the better way

Is get tequila slammered.

Dat Kennedy he only came once in a great big while,

But he became The Cossack Man,

And still today we smile.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

Den Fooley heard in Aspen-town, that lots of folks are "bi-".

He said, "That's nice, but my advice

Is let some sumbitch try."

And Shooter's colon is his pride, he keeps it strong and healthy.

If people paid for atmosphere,

He surely would be wealthy.

Long, long ago de Mad Dog thought he could become a  stallion.

His streak it snapped, when he got zapped,

By an F-squared Italian.

Well, Buckwheat and de Blender Mon, same time dey went away.

We think they might have gone somewhere,

To see if dey was gay.

Then Smeadski said, "Oh, Blender Mon, I thought you made me plucky,

But I been here for twenty years,

And never did get lucky."

And Bambi comes and Bambi goes, he doesn't ski a lot.

But after dark in Aspen's clubs,

Dat boy he sure is hot.

De Bambi roamed dat Aspen town, to see where things might be.

And Thumper, it became his name,

For reasons you can see.

And Smeadski hails from Dillon-town, he must live in a fog,

'Cause he's a Rocky-Mountain guy,

But still skis like a Dog.

De Phipps-ski came once in awhile, to see de Dogs in action.

But snowballs and de Snowmass lines,

Impaired his satisfaction.

De Fish-ski missed de trip enough to be another rookie,

I'd like to make a rhyme right here, 

But it just wouldn't really be proper.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

One year the Dogs met Barbie Doll, she could be such a pain,

For she was born a Valley Girl,

And never got a brain.

The Mogul Mamas liked the Dogs, they thought we were so cool,

But Janice broke dat Buckwheat's heart,

And ran off with a fool.

And Smeadski still owes Renegade, for the little Irish suit,

He turned into a leprechaun,

And nearly got Kapoot.

The Dogs don't make as big a mark, today in Aspen-town,

They're married, old, and pretty dull,

They might have settled down.

But if you hear a funny sound, just like an old man's howl,

You'll know that if it be a Dog,

He's doing something foul.

And Kimmie from Chicago-land, she found the Dogs elite,

She stuck her chest out, Shooter-style,

The Dogs' tongues hit their feet.

We've had some Rookies, good and bad, they really don't approve

Of Dogs that eat their young and say,

"I ain't got much to prove."

Fooley and Zimbabwe

Fooley and de Fooley-Kid, to Zimbabwe dey did go,

But things were bad, and so dey said,

We leavin' here, Mofo

.Dey said, hey Fooley we would like for you and Shawn to stay-o,

But Fooley said, "We just don't fit

To live in Bulawayo."

Miss Lynn she frets,  and Bambi gets, some State department aid,

But Fooley say dat all he want

Is some official's haid.

De boys dey found dat Zimbabwe was not too good for leisure,

So Fooley said he liked it more

When it was just Rhodesia.

Dat Cecil Rhodes, he might have been a tad too fond of boys,

But Fooley said. "Dat's still more good

Than dem Mugabe toys.

Kalashnikov, he worked real hard to keep the natives armed,

But Fooley said that's a helluva way

To take a settler's farm.

This episode, it gave the Dogs a lot of real bad worries,

The biggest fear was Fooley had

A bunch of brand-new stories.

Fooley and Osama-Mon

De Fooley he got lots of heads a-mounted on his walls,

But de thing he wants to hang right dere

Is dem Osama balls.

De Fooley says he got da gun to do in old Osama,

He'd whack him good and just for fun

He'd make him cry to mamma.

Al Qaeda said, "Hey W-Mon," we gonna run away,

But please don't send dat Fooley here,

It's too much price to pay.

Osama, he bin hidin' out, de Fooleyman bin trackin'.

De Fooley got him in his sights,

Osama's balls no lackin'.

Fishski and De Organ Mon

And Fishski had his mouth quite full, not helpful to his end.

He asked the waitress with a smile,

Was Organ still her friend.

De Shooter he enjoyed the sight  of someone else misspeakin'

He mumbled something just to say,

De Fishski's brain be leakin'.

Fooley and De Pretty Girls

De Fooley Mon, he take a nap on Aspen in the sun.

De girls sneak up and pose with  him.

Dey tink he look like fun.

He didn't know dat doing this was not Mad Dog's brainchild.

De girls dey had de thought demselves,

A hundred people smiled.

Right here Miss Lynn should be assured, dat it was just fake smoochin',

De only thing Wayne dreams about

Is Houses, not dat Poochin'.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

Politics, Bacon, Rum and Children

De Fooley cooked some bacon on the last day in dis town.

He said, "Some Meyer's Rum will help out,

To make it all go down."

De dogs dey ate the bacon up, dey said its taste was new.

De Fooley'd taken simple food,

And made a SkiDog brew.

And Big Al said, "Dat W-Mon, I guess he's kinda cute,

But Ashcroft ought to take hisself,

And find a warm patoot."

Dat bottled water tastes so good, but Fooley's not a fan,

He says he'd rather drink a quart

Of  cheap gas in a can.

Big Al he said to get a girl, den you just gotta ask her,

To put on her old Mickey ears,

And help you watch some Nascar.

De Fooley he a worried man, he said, "Hey don't you see,

If you don't have more kids right now,

We in World Number Three."

De Cossack Man, he always try, to do what Fooley say,

He cooked up Coady with Diane,

And now he's gonna pay.

Wild Bill and De Beer So Free

So Smeadski bought Wild Bill a beer, it was the Apres Hour,

And then he kicked the table leg,

And Billy got a shower.

De beer she flew, and Smeadski knew his planning skills were lackin',

To buy a beer and soak a Dog

With four days for paybackin'.

But Smeadski thanked his lucky stars, it wasn't Fooley's beer,

'Cause if it had been, payback time

Would be more like a year.

De Dogs dey watched him like a hawk, it was a heavy load,

When beer, de table, and Smeadski's boots

Were in de same Zip Code.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

Fooley, Fatwahs, and Iraq

And Mobius say Fooleymon, Your Dubwa he's a Dope

And Fooley said if I'm Baghdad-bound

He can go piss up a rope.

And Fooley worried that he might be heading for Iraq

So Smeadski found the top ten things

To read before he'd pack.

There seemed to be a lot of reasons Fooley's not de one

To drive around in Baghdad-town

And fry out in dat sun.

It's mostly dat de Fooley he just isn't all dat nice

If he got to take all his stuff

De war we'd have it twice.

Dere's lots more reasons dat de Fooley ought to stay away,

But number one's dat dem new stories

Would make de SkiDogs pay.

They put a fatwah on the Dogs, they said we had no class,

We thought a fatwah was a gift

We got from Shooter's ass.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

Fooley, De Wreck, and De Chick Magnet

Fooley stayed late in de Haus, an IT geek he's not,

He tried to catch up in de bumps

Effed up is what he got.

And Fooley said de cats are slow, he'd like dem much more fast.

And so to make the black slope flat

He groomed it with his ass.

And Fooley lay there in the snow, he thought he needed help.

But Brucie from the Ski Patrol,

He made de Fooley yelp.

Well, Brucie said the dust and crust had done de Fooley cruel,

But Fooley said it's Mambo man,

Who made me such a fool.

Brucie said de Fooley he just had no fashion sense,

And Fooley said, "please go away,

Or you could be past tense."

The crutches made him popular, the girls they love a gimp.

When Ingrid hugged de Fooley head,

De Fooley lost his limp.

De Fooley said to have no hair can sometimes be a blessin',

Cause when you get a full-head hug,

There's nothin' you be missin'.

The Chorus:

Fooley and de Blender Mon, de Blender Mon and he,

Dey be jammin' all night and day,

To make dat Daiquiri.

De Blender Mon Be Gone

Den one day, de Blender Mon, he wasn't even dere.

De Fooley say, "Hey Blender Mon,

Dat was how I grew me hair."

Smeadski puts da words to rhyme, like no other dude,

He's inspired by da Aspen wine

Or maybe it's da food

Smeadski says the Fooley mon must now go back to work,

'Cause if Fooley wants the Smeadski wine

He's got to pay McGerk.

Wild Bill he chased dat Blender Mon to someplace so Jamaican,

And Harvey said his Blender Gals

Could get a Ski Dog shakin'.

For many years we've missed the happy, smiling Blender Man.

But Big Al got what he deserved--

A cappuccino stand.

De Fooley had to be replumbed,

Dey said he was complex.

He told dem to cut carefully,

'Cause he still thinks of sex.

De operation went real well, it's more dan RotoRooter,

De doctors said they thanked de Lord,

Dey didn't open Shooter.